So this week has been overwhelming to say the least. I have felt pulled and torn in multiple directions on a daily basis. It has seemed as though everyone has had a criticism of me this week. I have felt at times as though my very character is being questioned. This is demoralizing beyond belief.
I still work with amazing people. But management and the doctors have been just difficult as hell to work with lately. I am finding that the things I value the most about my nursing are being questioned and criticized. I am a person who gives a crap. I can’t help it. I try to not at times, but it is just contrary to my nature. This week, I was questioned for my dedication to my job- that I shouldn’t be helping people so much that I have to clock out on time. I also shouldn’t speak when the work situation is intolerable.
Later this week, I was told I was too emotionally attached to my patients. This was for trying to report issues going on to the doctor. The long and the short of it, is I realized today that this patient was being discriminated against for being unfunded. Apparently we are only aggressive and proactive with 90 year old people with insurance. If you are young but critically ill without money, you are screwed. Sometimes I feel so impotent at work I want to scream.
At least there is balance of good and bad. I saw some truly amazing and beautiful moments. I was blessed enough to witness a wife holding her husband and saying goodbye. She let him go, even when it was hard. To see the amount of love in that room, was a profound experience. The best that we can hope for in this life, is that someone loves us enough to do that. To be both on the giving and receiving end of that. To love and be loved, to draw our last breaths on this earth while resting in the arms of our loved ones. How someone cannot be moved by that, escapes me.
Yet, I find myself being criticized for being filled with wonder at what an amazing and fragile world we live in. How often to we circle one another, never truly connecting? How often do we hold back, not expressing our love and gratitude for the experiences we have on this earth? Why do we take this all for granted?
I am a sentimental person. I cannot help this. It is who and what I am. But perhaps I need to explore another direction in my life. I feel like I am spinning my wheels and getting nowhere. Life is too short for this.