I have not posted anything here for a while. I actually have started another blog, to kinda separate my ooey gooey spirituality stuff from my nursing things. They do overlap quite a bit, as I realized from a post I made on my other blog. If you are interested in reading it, the site is findingmybuddha.wordpress.com
Tag Archives: spirituality
Well, I finally made it to Hawaii. for those who don’t follow me on facebook or twitter, I am on the cusp of huge changes. I am getting married today.
It’s funny..as I wake up today I think about, what makes today different from any other day? We have been together almost 6 years. Why should doing this make any difference? Yet it does. There is something about getting married, an added layer of legitimacy to the relationship, a validation of sorts. Part of me is so excited for this, to have this moment in time where I can say beyond a doubt that this is the person I choose to be with, let no one come between us. And yet, there is part of me that is scared to death. I was married once before, for about 5 minutes it seems like. the divorce process took longer than the marriage lasted. I had no interest in ever getting married again. I was badly hurt, and it seemed to me to be the ultimate lie. I never thought I would ever meet someone that I wanted to do that with ever again. I realized 2 nights ago when we landed and I was feeling so anxious what that was. I have no doubt that I love this man, and he loves me. Yes we have had hard times, and ups and downs. Things are never perfect. But I am human, and I am scared of being hurt. I do not ever want to suffer like I once did, to feel your world crumble beneath you as the person you gave your heart to crushes it and throws it back in your face.
The avoidance of pain is one of the strongest instincts a human can have. But what happens when that instinct becomes the driving force in your life? What opportunities get missed because one is afraid of being hurt? Of making the wrong choice? Ultimately, I do not have any regrets. When I think back on my life, good and bad, it has made me who I am today and that is a pretty awesome person. I have the fortitude and determination to tackle anything in life that comes my way. I have a compassion born from having suffered, an ability to connect with humans by placing myself in their shoes. I have a passion for life that can only come from almost losing it. And I have a capacity to love that is infinite.
These experiences in my life have shaped me, have molded me, have given me so much. I do not have to let fear and anxiety rule me, but can instead choose the path of acceptance and hope. For me, that is the ultimate power of leading a life not run on fear but on love. Today is the ultimate manifestation of that trust in the universe, taking the next step on the amazing journey of mine. To all of those who have impacted my life, I thank you. And to those of you that I have not yet met, look out here I come!
Cultivating inner discipline is something that takes time; expecting rapid results is simply a sign of impatience. ~ The 14th Dalai Lama
This morning for a moment, I found myself repeating negative old behavior. I have recently embarked on a spiritual, emotional and physical transformation. It has been going remarkably well, however at times I do find myself slipping momentarily back into negative ways of thinking. While in the midst of pondering psycho behavior, I read the above tweet. It was exactly what I needed to hear. I have a choice, always, to engage in negative, self-destructive behavior, or I can stop. I know this, but become frustrated that I still feel my moments of craziness. Reading this reminded me that I am a work in progress. It is unrealistic of me to expect perfection, or to expect my mind/body/soul to be perfectly balanced and perfectly disciplined at all times. It is a transformation…which implies process, not achievement. I am in the process of changing my ways of being, reminding myself to approach life from a place of positivity. The very cool new thing though, is that I can see these choices, in a clear way. I can see examples on a moment by moment basis, options and opportunities for choice and growth. I can see the chance in front of me to become crazy psycho drama Sarah, or choose differently. It is becoming easier and easier to choose a different path, as opposed to the same crap as always. This to me is a gift, something that I had forgotten was possible. I am so happy and grateful that I have this chance to become different today. that I can be in touch with the real me, open to possibilities, open to love, open to peace and harmony in my life. That I can embrace that which used to scare me, and experience life to its fullest. This is what it means to truly be human, to live in the moment accepting the gift of life in its entirety. I can be free of craving, free of ownership and possession, free of jealousy and hate. I can let go of that which diminishes me, and embrace that which elevates me. Every day I can make this choice…and know that it is possible to achieve. in time, with practice. I am living in a moment of grace, and can choose to expand those moments to encompass those around me. I can let go of control, which is an illusion anyways, and just BE. I am so excited to see where this journey takes me, because I know it is about that…the journey and not the destination. For the first time in my life I can truly say that with certainty, and that is a wonderful feeling.
I was dozing last night, when I had a random odd thought- travel nursing has freed me from the constraint of myself. How often do we get in a mode of being that caters to others expectations of who and what we should be? We get this idea of what nursing is, we go to school, we model ourselves after someone we admire, we get feedback from our managers that we are not meeting expectations but how often do we really get to be our most authentic selves?
This thought process was inspired by a talk I had with someone recently. I have been blessed to have met so many interesting awesome amazing people on my journeys. From random foursquare postings that have brought great friendships into my life, to coworkers whom I can honestly call friends. I have been exposed to all these truly wonderful characters, full of quirks and complexities. But what has been the most astounding is the discoveries I have made about myself. I have discovered that I am, in truth, a social person. I truly like people, and I enjoy talking with them. I am in fact, a happy person. I don’t have to be weighed down by my past, or my notions about myself. Which most of the time are based on old judgements and suppositions garnered from negative experiences. It is possible to let go, and step outside of yourself when you are not constrained by “what everyone thinks” or “how it has always been”. By being a new person in a new place, it allows the freedom and space to try out different aspects of myself, that maybe I would have been too afraid to try before. I am not worried about judgment or opinions when I am traveling. I can be the real authentic me in a way that is not possible when surrounded by people who have expectations based on how I have always been. I do not need to feel self conscious, because I can approach each experience new, without fear of reprisals or condemnation. What is the worst that can happen? Someone will spank me and take my birthday away? They don’t like me? They decide I am annoying beyond all reason? The reality is nobody can make me feel badly about me, except for me. It is truly liberating to be able to approach each new interaction without fear of rejection or results. to just be in the moment, full of possibilities, aware of my power to shape my experiences for the better. Maybe its a mid-life crisis thing, maybe because I am turning 40- I don’t know. but I am going to go with it. This is fun!
I have been experiencing some amazing things lately. I do not know if this is a midlife crisis, or what. I am approaching a big birthday though I am choosing to ignore that. I cannot help but feel that I am on the verge of some big changes. I have been reinvigorated in many aspects of my life. I have had some amazing aha moments- from listening to music to watching films- things that have reaffirmed my belief that we create our own reality. When I sit in negativity, whether that be in my personal or professional life, it affects me. It affects those around me. Yes, it seems terribly cliché – but it is true. I am practicing a new yet old philosophy. to be centered, here and now, in my present, full of all possibilities. I can choose which possibilities I wish to manifest in my life. I am the author of my existence, and can choose to experience myself in a new way. Do people change? Maybe no. But you can discover a new aspect of yourself, that you can be a different you. So far this week, since practicing this, I have been able to seek out new things that reaffirm that I am on the right path. I have lost 15 pounds according to my scale. I feel transcendent. not because of the weight loss, but because I FEEL different. I feel happy. from inside. content and free of obsession and addiction. I do not need to look to outside things to validate my existence. I am here, I am now, I am love. I do not need to worry about other’s perceptions of me. I can be free to let go of fear and anxiety and that which does not enrich my life. it is time to let go, and to just BE. I feel like I am the Jewel in the Lotus. I finally get it…its about loving and seeing that which is possible. those possibilities create reality, by my observation of it. I then will make choices that create that reality.
and no…I’m not high I swear 😛 I am just…utterly happy.