Well, I finally made it to Hawaii. for those who don’t follow me on facebook or twitter, I am on the cusp of huge changes. I am getting married today.
It’s funny..as I wake up today I think about, what makes today different from any other day? We have been together almost 6 years. Why should doing this make any difference? Yet it does. There is something about getting married, an added layer of legitimacy to the relationship, a validation of sorts. Part of me is so excited for this, to have this moment in time where I can say beyond a doubt that this is the person I choose to be with, let no one come between us. And yet, there is part of me that is scared to death. I was married once before, for about 5 minutes it seems like. the divorce process took longer than the marriage lasted. I had no interest in ever getting married again. I was badly hurt, and it seemed to me to be the ultimate lie. I never thought I would ever meet someone that I wanted to do that with ever again. I realized 2 nights ago when we landed and I was feeling so anxious what that was. I have no doubt that I love this man, and he loves me. Yes we have had hard times, and ups and downs. Things are never perfect. But I am human, and I am scared of being hurt. I do not ever want to suffer like I once did, to feel your world crumble beneath you as the person you gave your heart to crushes it and throws it back in your face.
The avoidance of pain is one of the strongest instincts a human can have. But what happens when that instinct becomes the driving force in your life? What opportunities get missed because one is afraid of being hurt? Of making the wrong choice? Ultimately, I do not have any regrets. When I think back on my life, good and bad, it has made me who I am today and that is a pretty awesome person. I have the fortitude and determination to tackle anything in life that comes my way. I have a compassion born from having suffered, an ability to connect with humans by placing myself in their shoes. I have a passion for life that can only come from almost losing it. And I have a capacity to love that is infinite.
These experiences in my life have shaped me, have molded me, have given me so much. I do not have to let fear and anxiety rule me, but can instead choose the path of acceptance and hope. For me, that is the ultimate power of leading a life not run on fear but on love. Today is the ultimate manifestation of that trust in the universe, taking the next step on the amazing journey of mine. To all of those who have impacted my life, I thank you. And to those of you that I have not yet met, look out here I come!