Cultivating inner discipline is something that takes time; expecting rapid results is simply a sign of impatience. ~ The 14th Dalai Lama
This morning for a moment, I found myself repeating negative old behavior. I have recently embarked on a spiritual, emotional and physical transformation. It has been going remarkably well, however at times I do find myself slipping momentarily back into negative ways of thinking. While in the midst of pondering psycho behavior, I read the above tweet. It was exactly what I needed to hear. I have a choice, always, to engage in negative, self-destructive behavior, or I can stop. I know this, but become frustrated that I still feel my moments of craziness. Reading this reminded me that I am a work in progress. It is unrealistic of me to expect perfection, or to expect my mind/body/soul to be perfectly balanced and perfectly disciplined at all times. It is a transformation…which implies process, not achievement. I am in the process of changing my ways of being, reminding myself to approach life from a place of positivity. The very cool new thing though, is that I can see these choices, in a clear way. I can see examples on a moment by moment basis, options and opportunities for choice and growth. I can see the chance in front of me to become crazy psycho drama Sarah, or choose differently. It is becoming easier and easier to choose a different path, as opposed to the same crap as always. This to me is a gift, something that I had forgotten was possible. I am so happy and grateful that I have this chance to become different today. that I can be in touch with the real me, open to possibilities, open to love, open to peace and harmony in my life. That I can embrace that which used to scare me, and experience life to its fullest. This is what it means to truly be human, to live in the moment accepting the gift of life in its entirety. I can be free of craving, free of ownership and possession, free of jealousy and hate. I can let go of that which diminishes me, and embrace that which elevates me. Every day I can make this choice…and know that it is possible to achieve. in time, with practice. I am living in a moment of grace, and can choose to expand those moments to encompass those around me. I can let go of control, which is an illusion anyways, and just BE. I am so excited to see where this journey takes me, because I know it is about that…the journey and not the destination. For the first time in my life I can truly say that with certainty, and that is a wonderful feeling.
I was dozing last night, when I had a random odd thought- travel nursing has freed me from the constraint of myself. How often do we get in a mode of being that caters to others expectations of who and what we should be? We get this idea of what nursing is, we go to school, we model ourselves after someone we admire, we get feedback from our managers that we are not meeting expectations but how often do we really get to be our most authentic selves?
This thought process was inspired by a talk I had with someone recently. I have been blessed to have met so many interesting awesome amazing people on my journeys. From random foursquare postings that have brought great friendships into my life, to coworkers whom I can honestly call friends. I have been exposed to all these truly wonderful characters, full of quirks and complexities. But what has been the most astounding is the discoveries I have made about myself. I have discovered that I am, in truth, a social person. I truly like people, and I enjoy talking with them. I am in fact, a happy person. I don’t have to be weighed down by my past, or my notions about myself. Which most of the time are based on old judgements and suppositions garnered from negative experiences. It is possible to let go, and step outside of yourself when you are not constrained by “what everyone thinks” or “how it has always been”. By being a new person in a new place, it allows the freedom and space to try out different aspects of myself, that maybe I would have been too afraid to try before. I am not worried about judgment or opinions when I am traveling. I can be the real authentic me in a way that is not possible when surrounded by people who have expectations based on how I have always been. I do not need to feel self conscious, because I can approach each experience new, without fear of reprisals or condemnation. What is the worst that can happen? Someone will spank me and take my birthday away? They don’t like me? They decide I am annoying beyond all reason? The reality is nobody can make me feel badly about me, except for me. It is truly liberating to be able to approach each new interaction without fear of rejection or results. to just be in the moment, full of possibilities, aware of my power to shape my experiences for the better. Maybe its a mid-life crisis thing, maybe because I am turning 40- I don’t know. but I am going to go with it. This is fun!
Well exciting…I have new hair and a new contract! I interviewed for the position in Edinburg. No problems. I have been forwarded an 8 week contract, I am approved for my 2 weeks off that I need for Hawaii, squee!! Everything seems to be falling into place. They want to start with 8 weeks to make sure I like it, and then extend if I want. works for me. It has been interesting, because I realize that I am quite unusual. Travel nursing is all about flexibility. you have to be flexible and be willing to try different things- different shifts, different places, just be different.
I am not sure how I will navigate it- its an hour drive time according to my map on my phone. of course I am sure traffic could affect this too. I will have to figure out if I am going to go and stay when I am there and work my days or drive back and forth. I guess I will see what happens once I have my schedule. The first week is going to be a challenge, as I am still finishing up my contract at VRMC. I will end up having 3 days orientation at the new hospital in the daytime and 3-4 nights working VRMC that week. but it will all work out. I think this is going to be great- I will be able to get the money together for my trip, have 2 weeks off in beautiful Hawaii- do overtime in a more constructive way and have some new experiences. I think some of my frustration level is working so many hours in the same location. its easier to do more hours per week with different jobs. it breaks up the frustration and issues because you are not having to deal with the same crap for days on end. I am hopeful I can get on a good groove at the new place- I really want to try 6 on 8 off. if I work Thurs- Tuesday, that will allow me a whole 8 days off to recover, and to work extra somewhere else if I want. its like having a mini vacation every other week. and I can pick up Friday and Sat. nights at VRMC if I want every other week too. that will be premium pay and make it very doable.
Now I just need to get my ducks in a row, update my TB test, get my drivers license and nursing license renewed soon. my eating has been very good- I have been consistently eating between 12-1500 calories per day for almost 2 weeks. I just need to get my exercise going more consistently. its really hard when I am working so much. I managed to stay away from the chocolate brought into work last night, which was a miracle in and of itself lol. I think I am going to take advantage of my time on call tonight, go for a walk, take a shower and clean the house a little, go to the grocery store. this will put me in good stead for tomorrow- I have a date with a friend to go see the avengers and go out for Japanese food yay! So lets see what happens. I feel so good about all the new possibilities in my life. 🙂
Well, I had another day at work. I ended up working again with the nurse described in my last post. The day was ok. Crazy as usual. The only different thing was I tried again to discuss these issues and find resolution. I spoke with my managers, and we all had a meeting together. it was an exercise in futility. The interesting thing is, it doesn’t really matter. At this point, I do not care if he changes or not. That is on him. It did clearly illustrate some core values that I have in conflict with my managers. I do not care for their style of management, or lack thereof. The take home point was that I made the decision to move on. I will hopefully continue in a PRN capacity at this hospital, but it is time for a new assignment.
So I spoke with my agency and there is something opening up in Edinburg exactly when I need it to. Everything seems to be falling into place. I will be interviewing hopefully today for that. Orientation week will be challenging as I am working the last week of my contract here and need to start there, but I am confident I will work it out. I may not sleep, but I will work it out.
I also went and chopped more of my hair off. It is a little shorter than I wanted, but it looks cute. My hair though is almost a metaphor for my life right now- I needed to get rid of the dead ends, and it will grow back. It had become damaged and hard to manage, but I was afraid to let it go. No more. I absolutely will not live in any kind of fear. I am the one who has to live with my hair, and myself. I cannot have it to please others. It is mine and belongs to me, just as my life and profession does. My new path of eating is also going well. It has been hard to find anytime to exercise, as my work schedule has been completely insane, but at least the food is on the right track. my daily calorie count has been between 1200-1500 calories pretty consistently. I need to watch and keep up with my water intake. when we get super busy at work that tends to drop off and I notice a difference. I also need a new scale, mine is possessed or something and give me a different reading every time.
I guess though ultimately I am feeling like things are changing for the better. I feel like I have found the “secret” so to speak, at least for me. I must stay in the moment, positive, embracing all things, and loving myself. Taking that care that I give to others and applying it to myself. I deserve to be treated with respect and care, I deserve to be happy healthy and whole. Because I am awesome, and the only person who can deny me that is myself.