Don’t Break My Zen

What an interesting week this has been. While I continue to be a nexus of possibilities, having all kinds of amazing experiences, it is fascinating to see what kind of response this elicits in people. The majority have been fabulous and supportive. Some have been inspired to start their own journey of self discovery. While yet others seem to make it their personal mission in life to pluck my very last nerve. Yesterday at work I had a uniquely challenging day. I was charge nurse, working with a very “special” nurse. While I am able to get along with him on a personal level, professionally he could infuriate Mother Theresa. This nurse always has issues with me when I am charge and he is not. It is silly really, as I am not one of those charge nurses that subscribes to the belief that somehow I am really in charge of anything. The truth is, we all hold licenses, we all are accountable, we are all employed, and we all had to pass a drug test to be there. As far as I am concerned, manage your own crap. It is not my job to chase you, or be a hall monitor. It simply means I give bed assignments, and fill out the charge report sheet. I am always a resource and a team player, so nothing in that changes by me being “in charge”. I don’t particularly care how people do things, just get your job done and let’s have a good day.

This gentleman does not subscribe to my philosophy on anything. not on nursing, not on being charge, not on a thing. He started out the day cranky because he was not charge nurse, I was. It went downhill from there. no matter what I did, how I tried, he was impossible. and to make things worse, he wouldn’t even allow me to try to fix things, or resolve any issues we were having. he would just throw my words back in my face, literally. The truly funny thing, is all of the things he complains about in others, he manifests in himself to a tee. And he was not content until he pushed me to the point of tears. He literally broke my zen. It was as though he took upon himself a personal challenge to burst my happy bubble. The more I tried to breathe deep and seek peace, the more he pushed. Takes some talent, really. One could admire his determination to piss me off, if it wasn’t so annoying. By the end of the day, I was frazzled, frustrated, exhausted beyond all reason, and so DONE. If I could have packed my stuff and walked out never to return again, I would have. I have zero tolerance for unprofessional dramatics. it is an unbelievable waste of time and energy.

The odd thing was, this persons antics really have helped me. It has further cemented my belief that there is a path for me, and that path does not include being like him. I had become complacent to a certain extent- content in the job location, settled so to speak. it was easier to just keep renewing my contract, even if I am not being stimulated and challenged. This is not the person I wish to be. I never want to be complacent in my job or any aspect of my life. I needed a stick to remind me that there is more for me out there, new experiences and new people to meet. I never need to live in a state of fear or anxiety. I do not need to choose to remain in an intolerable work environment. While I genuinely and truly like and respect the majority of people I work with, I have some fundamental issues with my work place. Unfortunately the biggest one of them all, is the fact that status quo is maintained. I think Clara Barton, the founder of the American Red Cross said it best-  “I have an almost complete disregard of precedent, and a faith in the possibility of something better. It irritates me to be told how things have always been done. I defy the tyranny of precedent. I go for anything new that might improve the past.”

I will have to work with this person tomorrow again. But I think I shall thank him. I will thank him for the gift of shaking things up for me, reminding me that I have a higher purpose in life, and motivating me that much more to achieve it. I am the captain of my own destiny, and no person shall deny me that right. As I said to him yesterday, and will say again tomorrow- you’re not the boss of me. I also think I will take some earphones and soothing music along..just to be on the safe side.

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